the watch of time

That time again, another batch of enlivened clichés (with the original in italics):

• New research has shown that being as happy as a clam is really a shell game
• The cook left her baking on the cold window sill, accidentally creating icing on the cake
• If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times, so I’m switching to another pronoun
• Unless the reconstructive surgery means his legs are joined at the hip he won’t be a happy camper
• The guillotine operator’s instruction manual, “Where’s the blade and how’s it hanging”, is finally being published
• I’ll leave you with something to chew on if I have to go before we find the bubble gum
• What good is a time machine if we go back fifty years and find we’re not getting any younger?
• My brother is contemplating interspecies marriage, so chances are I’ll be a monkey’s uncle
• It would have been more impressive if instead of having people enter in on the ground floor, they used one that had tiles on it
• According to the rules, a jack of all trades is worth as many points as a king of half of them