Creative commentary plus crafty composition

Posts tagged ‘Humour’

Innovative Ways to Recognize CANADA DAY in 2019

Another CANADA DAY is on the horizon, this coming Monday.

What can Canadians do to celebrate, this first day of the second half of the calendar year?

  • Consume red and white beverages all day
  • Bar-b-que everything with maple syrup
  • Find an American history book, and write in a ‘u’ to the spelling of words like honor and color
  • Play mini-putt golf with fresh strawberry balls
  • Watch at least two hours of authentic Canadian TV programming
  • Take a trip across the country via Google Earth
  • Wrap a Canadian flag around your mailbox, since there’s no delivery this day anyway
  • Spend some time during the day in each of the Canadian time zones
  • Convince young children there’s more daylight because fireworks need extra time to burst in red and white
  • Invite friends over to debate which revised version of the national anthem should be sung

Be sure, of course, that any activity engaged in happens politely.

Morals 2.0

While preparing for a new Toastmasters speech assignment about telling a story with a valuable lesson, or moral, I listed a number of candidates among currently well-known axioms.  I’ve finally narrowed this down to one around which to build my own fable.

However, when one considers the way many clichés are constructed, they leave room for alteration, or new perspectives considering our increasingly diversified society.

To wit…

  • When life gives you lemons, make lemonade – why restrict this to lemons, or assume receiving lemons is pejorative?
  • You can’t teach an old dog new tricks – doesn’t this ignore the potential of other pet species?
  • You should look before you leap – shouldn’t there be a warm-up period first?
  • Know which side your bread is buttered on – what about new spreads available as alternatives to butter?
  • Every cloud has a silver lining – is there some way to harvest this precious metal?
  • The handwriting is on the wall – is it signed and dated, suitable for framing?
  • Actions speak louder than words – but what about words that come in parentheses?
  • An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure – shouldn’t a metric version of this be around by now?
  • It’s what’s in-side that counts – would modern scanning techniques necessarily agree with this?
  • The more things change, the more they stay the same – is the reverse also true?
  • Opportunity doesn’t knock twice – doesn’t this discount the impact of social media?
  • A rising tide lifts all boats – so, what are we supposed to do at low tide?
  • Too many chefs spoil the broth – given the ingredients of many broths, shouldn’t some of the chefs be focused on healthier options?
  • Walk softly, and carry a big stick – so, what size stick should one carry if walking quickly or with purpose?
  • You can’t put the toothpaste back in the tube – how sanitary could this ever be?

A fabulous ‘no prize’ can be had for guessing which cliché I chose.   

A Glossary of Modern Urban Potholes

A combination of highly unfavourable freeze/thaw conditions and less focus on roadway maintenance has resulted in the worst springtime driving conditions in Canada’s capital city in recent memory (i.e. 35 plus years).

It should be noted that this has not only been impacting vehicles with four, or more, tires.  For those of us who like to bicycle, moped, or in some cases even just walk, the circumstances range from unpleasant to daunting in too many places.

The variety of cuts and holes in paved areas has become so voluminous that a category of names is being established for them.  Here are ‘popular’ ones in our region:

  • Aqua crater, a hole with depth up to 10 cm which frequently fills with water and so can provide a hidden dip in proceeding
  • Old rail, as in an imbedded metal sensor showing through crumbling surfaces at intersections
  • Road tube remnant, namely indentation formed by tube counter smashed from volume impacts
  • Cut groove web, as in where pavement at vehicle intersection stops is worn down
  • Reptile cut, with a spine look, which incorporates a hodgepodge of revealed sensors or tubes
  • Cave in, where a soft surface hides vulnerable, undercut asphalt
  • Line of insanity, which is displayed as several metres or more of continuous breakage
  • Danger dodge, which means little reaction time to unexpected locations encountered with little warning
  • Gauntlet, as in having to navigate through a range of cracks both to the left and to the right
  • Trap, as in little reaction time to craters where there is only low to zero margin of error in avoiding
  • Manhole, occurring around manholes, as cracks around them starting to create a widening circle of crumble
  • Depression, as with reaching an appreciable, unavoidable drop
  • Patch-on-patch, as evidenced frequently subsequent to road maintenance patching efforts which become a quilt of unevenness
  • Rivulet crack, as a long, thin stream acting as discomforting accompaniment
  • Bumping up, referring to fill-ins which rise above the roadway, creating turbulence felt physically

It may be that one has to crack a few eggs to make an omelette, but pavement cracks are harder to swallow.

 

TOP 10 Double-Edged Benefits of Spring

After a very tough winter, slowing ebbing away this week officially but not in evidence, let’s remember that some expressions shift to another side of their connotations…

  • ‘White out conditions’ refer mainly to the need to correct typos
  • ‘Bundling up’ means trying to combine services for a cheaper rate
  • ‘Skating on thin ice’ focuses on one’s status in the workplace or relationships
  • A ‘Blanket of snow’ reverts to its rightful place as a soft assessment of political bafflegab
  • ‘Breaking the ice’ relates to reducing the size of ice cubes for drinks
  • The ‘tip of the iceberg’ alludes to the gradual rise of problems not previously evident in a project
  • Dealing with a ‘cold snap’ means handling a number of people feeling weakened by a virus
  • ‘Putting something on ice’ becomes a desirable option for diluting the effects of heat
  • Being ‘left out in the cold’ becomes more hurtful, because it’s not dependent on temperature
  • Feeling ‘snowed under’ identifies the emergence of projects put on hiatus during the winter

 

 

 

Maybe an ETF

As a category of options for individual investors, ETFs have become increasingly popular since the dawning of the new millennium.

An ETF, or Exchange Traded Fund, offers opportunity to be exposed to a vast array of segments of the marketplace, including uncommon and emerging.  Part of their flashy appeal comes from availability at relatively minimal cost, i.e. management fees.

There is greater transparency than with traditional mutual funds, concerning both fees and underlying holdings. (more…)

TOP 10 ‘Practical’ Valentine’s Day Gifts

In less than one week another of those often pressure-packed, gift giving days arrives: February 14th, AKA Valentine’s Day.

I can recall as a child in elementary school filling out sweet and simple cards to be given to classmates.  Starting even at such a young age, the message sinks in: this is a day to try to treat at least one other person in a special way.  Of course, as one gets older, effort and expense become more integral parts of the equation. (more…)

Wishful Tax Deductions & Credits

As we move into another February, it’s getting to that time for many of us to look at our income tax status for the previous year. 

We can pat ourselves on the back for the good actions we took to help lower taxes (such as make regular tax-deductible contributions to a retirement savings plan or contributions to charities eligible for tax credits).  We may also have some time left for catch-up opportunities, such as the 60 days grace period for contributions to an RRSP (in Canada). (more…)