the watch of time

The new year not only brings out the mental and physical challenge of surviving winter intact, but also a plethora of awards shows.  Those known to the public are almost inevitably the highest profile, most glitzy affairs.

Many others focusing on much less glossy subjects fly under the radar.  Let’s give a little recognition…

• MOST NEBULOUS LOTTERY                                                                          In recognition of the unending spirit of governments in sanctioning teasing ways to separate taxpayers from their money  

• MOST UNFLAPPABLE WEATHER REPORTING                                       Dedicated to those male and female weather forecasters who put a euphemistic spin on every prediction, even if it’s unseasonal, disruptive, or unpleasant for the public

• MOST REPEATED PROGRAMMING BY A CABLE TELEVISION NETWORK Inspired by the pioneering efforts of an American network known to repeat a film days in a row or even up to several times in the same day

• MOST INESCAPABLE CHARITABLE ASSOCIATION                     Recognizing those institutions who have minimal misgivings about maximizing in-your-face, guilt-based persuasion in promoting their causes publicly   

• MOST COLOURFUL REFERENCE TO CANADA BY A NON-CANADIAN COMEDIAN                                                                                               Making note of those professional comedians not native to Canada who make observations of parts of the country while performing in other parts of the country      

• MOST EFFECTIVE SELF-SERVE SHOPPING CONCEPTS                    Noting those retailers adept at cajoling shoppers to accept less customer service or even serve themselves without benefitting from lower prices  

• MOST CHALLENGING TO MARKET COLLECTIBLES                                    In recognition of those dedicated to building impressive collections of items which are so obscure or of limited interest they seldom see the light of remuneration     

• MOST TRITE GREETERS                                                                   Dedicated to those whose conversation is so unconsciously replete with catch phrases or rote terms they don’t know any other way to communicate

• MOST UNUSUAL FAIR TRADE COFFEE FLAVOURS                                      In recognition of elaborate and exotic names of coffees for which the ‘fair trade’ moniker serves as moral suasion to overcoming consumer resistance to the noticeably higher relative pricing

• MOST AMBIGUOUS MEDICAL BREAKTHROUGH                            Dedicated to those advancements in medical science which are helpful to the outside appearance of the individual but have little or no evidence of enhancing internal health

• MOST MINISCULE NICHE REALITY SHOW CONCEPT                Recognizing that for a range of TV producers almost no subject is not worth promoting if some amazingly undiscriminating audience can be found for it

Finally, in the spirit of the higher profile award shows:

• MOST DEDICATED CELEBRITY SEAT FILLER                                 Dedicated to those well-dressed but unknown individuals who keep celebrity seats warm at award shows until they return