the watch of time

Notwithstanding the omnipresence of electronic communications in our daily lives, versions of community newspapers continue to exist, if not flourish.  Why should we be an exception?

Here are excerpts from the latest monthly edition of what’s happening in our neck of the woods…

Mayor Timmy Holmes continues to display his greatest attribute, namely being available for photo ops.

His Self-Worship was unavoidably seen this week basking in varying spotlights marking these events:

• The opening of the new Tooth ‘n Nail dental and manicure spa near the stop sign on Spinal Drive
• The re-opening of the community tub works next to the harbour on Lakeshore Road
• The adjustment of the touring time-share investment caravan to its new temporary quarters across from the experimental greenhouse
• The shift of the seasonal light & artificial fireworks show, formerly adjacent to the abandoned lumber storage yard, to the former drive-in theatre site off Highway 6A1
• The ceremony marking the end of royalty payments to the former provincial advisor in the foyer of the old library annex

Watch for a new batch of candid photo-shopped pictures in our next issue.

Last Friday’s power outage, originally attributed to the buildup of mud and snow on wiring at the west-end substation, has been found to be caused by faulty switch directions on service poles.  In an ironic twist, the operations manual itself has been switched, to one with different colour highlights.

The ‘Altered Brains for Hire’ marketing group has announced the slogan for its refuse reform campaign in the new year: All the Trash that’s not Two-Legged. It’s hoped local residents will bang their lids in support.

On the lighter side, sounds of what were believed to be singing basset hounds in Southmorton Park are revealed to be an instrumental LP record playing over and over on a discarded battery-operated turntable.  Residents, initially angry over the repeating tonal inflections, have had mixed reactions to the source of the extended three-note melody. Said a Mr. G. Carmody of Looville Ave., “At least we don’t have to feed it food or water”.